Today is January 29, 2020, a normal Wednesday afternoon.
Right now I am looking at myself and my life in a mirror and asking myself how I got here, why I stay here, and how I am going to get away from here. It isn't a physical place I am talking about, but a mental place.
They say, nothing gets better until you tell the truth. The truth is that I have a poor mental attitude these days.
- I am mentally tired
- I am spiritually barren
- I am physically lazy
- I don't really have much of a vision for my future.
I want to be an entrepreneur but I don't want to take money from people, and you can't do very well, if you have a bad mental attitude towards money.
In addition I take a look at my Facebook friends page and realize I am not communicating with my friends much at all, no matter where they are. I also have people who give me a negative feeling inside and I wonder if it is my issue or if it is them.
My mother was very harsh on people that made her feel bad. I think she got to the point in life where she stopped caring about trying to make "nice" with people who she actually really didn't like that much. She never wanted harm to come to anyone, or wished negative things on people, but she protected her happiness more and more as she neared death. She said to me once that "I don't have to let people into my circle if I don't want them there. I don't want them there because they make me feel bad. In a way, they actually hurt me, and I am tired of being hurt by people who are supposedly good people."
So in a way I am looking at my life the same way right now. Due to recent events I have begun to ask myself if it is in my best interest to associate with them at all. I'm beginning to think my patience has worn out. I think I am going to have to start fixing some things in my life and start surrounding myself with people who I want to be around. I need to get in touch with the people I care about and really communicate with them in the future.
In other ways I am facing the daunting reality that I have to get better at some things that I really have never had to do before now. Maybe it is called finally growing up. I don't know. But, it seems that my mental attitude is bad because I am feel I am constantly being sucked into a spiritual vacuum created.
When people talk about having a "Positive Mental Attitude" it always seems to me to be a hyped concept. It is as if you have to fake being happy all of the time without actually being happy, just so you appear to be okay.
The thing that occurs to me right now is that a real "Positive Mental Attitude" has to do with setting standards for your life, and meeting them. It is figuring out who you want to be and working hard, smart, and unrelenting to create that.
It's called living a life based on your own code of conduct. Principles you create and stand by will make it possible to be the person who deserves respect from themselves.
So, who do I really want to be? Am I not who I want to be already? What have I been doing for the past 58 years? Should I just be happy with who I am and stop bashing myself for not being better?
The answer is that I am not happy nor proud of myself right now, and honestly I don't have much reason to be. But, I am really tired of it. Sometimes I think that if I could just leave my entire life behind me and start all over again it in a different place that it would be easier because I am to a large extent playing a role that others are used to me playing.
One major problem is that my responsibility for my aging mother and father, and now just my father, keeps me at home. I have owed them that. They deserve my help. But I am losing life time of my own. I am losing ground in just about every way and part of that is because of the person my father expects me to be, or maybe simply who I think he expects me to be. But just as my Mom used to say, "He can't help how he is. He is just living according to his mind. He is right, and that is all that is important to him. I can't expect him to be any different than he is. I feel bad about how I feel about him, but that is how I feel and I know he can't change, nor would I believe it if he did." I too have given up trying to make things much better because anything you try to improve he will be against. Change is not wanted by the elderly. They don't want to let go of anything. They want to hold on to everything. They have spent their life accumulating all they have, now all they have is a physical part of them, and removing any of it is like taking candy away from a baby. Mom was not like this, but my Grandmother was and so is my father. So, I just quit trying to make things better. I am tired of his complaining about anything I do. It makes me unhappy and there isn't a whole lot else I can do but let it be.
The problem is that all of life feels that way. The resistance to change is so high that it almost makes you wonder if you should try anymore.
I have to change. I can't go on like this. I can't just stand by and watch my life pass before me as if I am an extra in my own movie.
In order for my life to change I have to get a "Positive Mental Attitude." I have to stop blaming outside factors on my inside feelings and start taking control of my inside, by altering my outside world. I can only shape the world with my inner eye and my standards are going to have to get set.
I am not going to air what those standards are here online, but suffice it to say that it has a lot to do with defending my time, working on what I want to create, and start filling in the outline of the person I want to be for the rest of my life.