I am fortunate. Fate has given me the ability to choose how to live my life. I can build a completely new life for myself and make the rest of my years on earth what I choose. Along with this gift comes choices and they are different choices than what I had coming out of high school. It is too late to go back to school and learn another profession. It is too late to become a world-class musician. It isn't too late to live with a new mindset, a new belief about myself, and what my value is in the world moving forward. Just like back in the days of my post high school quandary, I have many possibilities, and just like back then I can only choose one.
What does it mean to choose one?
Choosing one rose from a rose bush you are essentially rejecting all of the other roses on that bush. A bush full of roses is a beautiful thing to behold and you would love to have them all but in life, there are times when you have to make a decision and choose just one.
Throughout my life, I have had many 'ideas'. In the idea category, I have never had a lack of them. But, I have had a problem with following through with them. Even so, some ideas did get fulfilled such as my recital projects and my book Boredom to Brilliance. The thing is, you have to ride those ideas out long enough for them to catch on. It is great to have an idea but it doesn't help much if you don't stay with it long enough for it to catch on.
Andrew Carnegie is quoted as saying, "Put all your eggs in one basket and watch that basket." My eggs were artistic. I loved being a singer, a musician, an actor, and performing onstage. That was my world. When I stopped singing I didn't try to continue inside of that world so I could still work inside my area of expertise. My pride wouldn't allow me to go in another direction within the profession of classical musical theater and even when I considered other areas I didn't give much effort to it. Nobody is going to hop on your bandwagon when you are faced with a new direction. Just like the development of building a career you never know how it is going to 'work out.' So, I dropped my entire basket of eggs and went off looking for other chickens to find some new eggs.
Logic has nothing to do with anything. Making decisions based on logic is foreign to the thing that drives us inside. Nothing is easy to do. The only thing that makes anything tolerable is that you are compelled to do what it takes because you like doing what it takes and are also willing to do the things you don't want to do to give it a chance. Add an indeterminable length of time to that and you may get where you would like to be...someday.
To reach decisions of such magnitude it seems that I have to evaluate what am I willing to do and what things am I certain I don't want. This is a bit of a logic process but it is tied to 'gut feelings' and to know that it is important to choose based on those gut feelings.
For instance...do I want to have my own 'unique business'? Doing that requires everything a business owner has to do, especially if I can't hire someone to do those things in the beginning. There are so many pitfalls involved and to embark upon such a quest is possibly more than I believe I can handle. If I am going to do that then the only way is to block out everything else and give it everything I have for as long as it takes regardless, and most importantly, no matter what anyone else has to say about it.
The final part about it is that I need to decide and then go about living with that decision. I can't wake up one morning and just not do it. I can't change my dedication to it tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. I have to live that life. I have to be that person. This means stop doing what I am doing right now and change the way I live, forever.
I'm not sure I have the energy to do it but I can't just sit around and wait until the mood hits me. It has to be lived or not lived at all.