I finished Prince Harry's book "Spare" and was impressed by it in several ways. One of the things I was impressed with was his apparent honesty about his own mental health and how he felt about the events that took place in his life. It has caused me to question whether writing about my own mental health or feelings about life would be beneficial to me or possibly to anyone who might read about it.
The events of life get lost throughout time and I feel like recording them in some way is a good way to remember them. One large aspect of that is to record how you feel about things at the time. This is something I haven't done much of in my journaling. I usually write 'what' I did, but not about 'how' I felt. Plus, I haven't been consistent about recording these things and that is unfortunate because I have had such a great life with many experiences and people and now they are lost to me because I didn't record them. One thing I am jealous of is that my career happened before the advent of the smartphone, Facebook, and other social media platforms to not only share but also record the events of my life as I lived them and probably most importantly how I felt during them. Some of my reluctancy was in sharing experiences I had with other people in the interest of protecting their identity.
So, how do I feel today? What are the primary influences in my life today and how are they affecting me? How can I overcome the weaknesses I feel in myself and become stronger?
Today is Thursday, January 11, 2024 and it is around 9:00 a.m. The sun is shining and it is 40F and it should get up to about 56F today. Not a bad day weather wise. Last night I went to be around 23:00 I think and woke up at around 3:30 till about 5:00 and then managed to go back to sleep till about 8:30. Sleep is not a luxury to me, it is all important. Why? Because my #1 problem is my level of energy.
Right now I feel rested. That is a good thing. Why? Because it puts me in a positive frame of mind. When I am tired, which is most of the time, my psychology is not positive. The fact that I am alone doesn't help my psychology at all. Somehow I do better when I have an audience. I do better when I have someone to laugh at my jokes, pander with me about things, and the such. But, I feel I shouldn't have to depend on someone else to feel good. I should feel good within myself. I should be happy on my own. I should do things without anyone else. I should be independently strong, positive, and active.
The fact is, that when I am 'tired' I feel lousy and my psychological attitude about life is awful. So right now, I am doing well!
I have been diagnosed with mild sleep apnea. The result of this is that your state is generally fatigued. Every day is like climbing a high mountain by going up a long slope that gets steeper the closer you get to the peak. The mountain seems so high, the slope so steep, and the way so long that it makes no sense to even try. All you want to do is lay down and go to sleep. The thing is, this has been my state for almost 20 years now. It is amazing that I can live the life I have at all. I certainly have achieved nothing over the past 10 years and haven't really tried very hard.
Yes, I have a CPAP machine. It is terribly uncomfortable dries out the nose and is loud. The only real good I get out of it is that it opens up my nasal passages very well. I don't have obstructive sleep apnea but rather central sleep apnea, which means that it is a nervous system thing. The cpap helps my mind remember to breathe at night.
One of the problems that arises from sleep apnea is a loss of oxygen to the brain which affects the performance of the brain. So, my mental capacity is dulled because of it. I actually feel this. I think that sleep apnea can cause depression because your brain feels very tired and doing mental things can tax it very quickly. For instance, during the writing of this blog article, I can feel the energy get lower as I write. Most of my articles tail off towards the end because my mental energy wears out and I just have to stop, leaving it unfinished.
When I think of the people that I have admired over the years I think of energy and positivity. Being energetic and positive is a true gift. Of course, that is how these people have been when I have been around them. I don't know how they are when I am not with them, so they may be completely different when alone as well. When I think of people I have known who have had this bright type of energy it reminds me of people like the football coaches at WKU Jimmy Feix, Jack Harbaugh, Willie Taggart, or one of my directors, Dorothy Danner, people who helped raise me like Reba, Ann and Ellen Groves. My roomates Dreux Montegut and Ivan Griffin. Another person who has this high energy is Paul Hutchings, who leads a company in which I participate.
In light of this I must say that my principle goal in life has long since to have peacefulness in myself. Peace and calm have also been something I wanted to have. I wanted to have the ability to stay calm in stressful situations. The role models for those attitidues are like the peace and calm represented by Jesus, or Buddha, Obi Wan Kenobi, Qui Chang Caine in Kung Fu. To have the ability to act while remaining peaceful.
My natural state of being is actually rather high energy. I like to act goofy and horse around. I am a comedy act to be honest. I like to dance and play and play sports with a freestyle that used to give me the ability to do it pretty well.
When I think about it, my abilities get better the more I lose myself in the activity and when no limits are set on my expressivity. Basically, when someone gives me free reign, I can be a pretty good entertainer. During my career, there were roles that I feel I excelled at because the directors wanted me to let go of my inhibitions and act full out. The roles that come to mind are Hoffmann, Nemorino, The Husband in les Mammelles des Teresias, the Count in La finta giardiniera, Ferrando in Cosi fan tutte, and Don Jose in Carmen.
All of that requires that I memorize all of that material and it takes a lot of time. Plus, you need to 'get the job' in order to do it, and on top of all that you also have to get it right. I no longer have access to any of that and in the theater world in the USA, you get 2 performances at the most and spend a lot of time preparing for it. So, that ship has sailed away forever. But, still, the fact remains, somewhere inside of me this still exists.
Having said all that, I would not have been able to do those roles as well as I did them had the directors not kicked my butt every day. Opera had always seemed like 'serious' theater, so acting up like that seemed to require permission to do so. I was always surprised when they asked me to go as far as I could.
Writing is a sedentary activity and my nature also doesn't lend itself to desk sitting for long periods of time. So, it is time to get moving and end this article of self-evaluation.
Enjoy today. Life should be appreciated for the act of living in itself.