A burden has been lifted off of my shoulder.
The burden of trying to understand life, why I am the way I am, if there is something wrong with me, and trying to figure out why I am underperforming in life.
There is nothing to figure out. That is the truth. What is blocking my way is trying to figure all that stuff out instead of simply enjoying life and doing what I love doing. I am underperforming because I am not performing. The longer I sit and ruminate about the mysteries of creations and my perceived shortcomings the long I don't perform.
I know a big part of my fear of performing on video or in the public eye outside of being a singer or actor is that I am no longer shielded by the cloak of a role. I'm not playing Romeo or Radames anymore, but rather just little Timmy Simpson, the kid back in Kentucky who somehow found the stage as a place to be who, when I look back on it, was always onstage in my mind somehow.
When I finally found the words to say and a license to act out through roles and the words of others I no longer had reason to behave that way off-stage so much. So now that the stage is gone I am no longer acting in life but have rather fallen silent in my life. No hobbies, nowhere to go, and nothing really to do that gets me excited. Add to it, being far away from my element of professional theater I feel a bit stuck out here in deep and dark Kentucky. I am a Goldfish outside of his Fish Bowl, flopping around in the world.
But, still, at least I have released myself from the burden of trying to figure everything out and digging deep into my psyche. When I start to do that now I can literally feel the dark clouds gathering.
I play fun music on the radio, look for nice things to do, and to have fun people to be with.
My life lies before me, the world is so wide, come wishes be horses, this beggar shall ride. Time to get busy living!