My upbringing was a big, long lesson in what I call "Guilt Motivation." Today, when I get this feeling I really hate it because it makes me not want to do anything.
I acknowledge the fact that there is a tendency to blame the "thing" I'm feeling guilty about on the "thing" and not on my own distorted sense of reality. When I feel guilty about not doing something and it drives me to want to do it I especially don't want to do it and it makes me mad at the thing and everything around the thing. I know this sounds crazy and it is, but that is the result of my upbringing.
So, what am I talking about?
Principally, I'm talking about attending church or anything like church. I'm really jaded in this area. I'd almost call it a "malignant" jaded. It is built into my psychology and it comes from the incessant years of protesting having to go to church and my parents forcing me to go, or guilting me into it until I figure out there best way to survive is to just go along with it and play the game. I was always wondering if everyone was at church because they wanted to be or because they were also 'guilted' into it like I was, and still am.
I recognize the fact that church isn't a bad thing, and that nobody goes there with bad intentions. In fact, my life was greatly enriched from my family's involvement in church. All of the friends, support, and opportunities I and we received are overwhelming to me when I look back on it. But, today, when I consider 'joining' a church this feeling of expectation and guilt come rushing back. So, while I know it isn't the church that is making me feel guilty but my learned experience and how it affected me growing up.
I'm not sure that I can ever join a church without it reawakening this feeling of guilt attached to it. In fact, it kind of makes me angry. But, like I said before, I'm blaming the church for something it didn't do. My parents did it to me. It is a kind of torture to be honest. I'm not sure I can ever break it.
The only way that I can reconcile the negative feelings of guilt which overwhelm me in this way is to add positive motivations to make me feel good about going. There is so much minus in this category for me that it is going to take a lot of pluses to offset it. Regardless, this sounds very transactional now and I don't necessarily like that. It means that I will be looking for selfish reasons to attend rather than the real reason one should attend church which is to build spiritual strength in myself.
However there are other reasons to go to church, or any kind of religious/spiritual organization. You want to support the work of the church. You want to associate with the people that go to that church and become a part of a spiritually kindred 'family' where you support and care for each other. You want to serve others through working in the church.
I'm disappointed in myself with this aspect of my personality. I'm not sure it is fixable because it seems that going to church is always going to be associated with this feeling of guilt I have about it. It is so deeply intertwined in my personality. Nobody should do anything out of guilt. Guilt is a poor motivator.
What this actually does is it makes Sundays a horrible day for me, every single week. I can't shake this feeling of guilt somehow. I don't want to be guilt driven yet guilt follows me every Sunday.
Expectations and the Quid pro Quo of mutual Support
Let's say that I own a business. One thing businesses do is the create goodwill in the community by supporting popular organizations either by financial support or by personal involvement. So, being a member of a large church with the movers and shakers in town create a positive feeling about you and your business, or other activity whatever it happens to be. In addition, being a part of a support organization and working with others on charitable causes also help build your profile in the community. All such activities gets you out of your own space and into others space and over time you build your own brand, create relationships and trust, and your influence can grow.
When you fulfill the expectations of others you build trust and then you can also expect that a small portion of that goodwill will come back to you. So, I'll go to your meeting, if you'll come to mine. There must be some sort of study on all of this which they teach in business schools. Basically, you are syndicating yourself through others organizations and the cumulative result of that is to funnel the attention of others towards yourself. It is a Quid-pro-Quo approach to building ones influence. Of course, it may or may not work.
However, I don't want to play that game. Maybe I'm wrong about it. To me, it feels insincere. If I'm going to be a part of something, or contribute to something, I want to do it out of its own merit, not because I think I'm going to get something in return. I don't want anyone to join my bandwagon out of a feeling of reciprocity because I want them to be there because they want to be there because of its merit. I don't want anyone coming or being a part of my thing out of any feeling of guilt, because that is the thing I absolutely don't like.
When I join something, then I also have this feeling of "they've got me." With that there comes my feelings of expectation of duty to them. I doubt people are like that. They probably do just want me to be a part of it because they like me. But, I always get the feeling that my acceptance into a group brings a certain assumption which I have an issue with. I feel that when I join something and attend but still have a feeling of insincerity about it, that by my attendance people assume I'm a card carrying member of that belief system when I'm not, necessarily.
Loss of Freedom and Privacy
Part of joining something is the requirement of attendance. To be loyal to that cause means to be a member others can count on to be there in support of it. When I join something it makes me feel like I can't go away somehow. I know that is crazy, because I doubt anyone feels that way. But, I have a strong sense of commitment, and that is when I commit to something I am bound to it, with our without contract. I am a man of my word, or at least I want to be.
The other part is, I don't want other people in my personal business. Privacy is so important to me. I want to be able to build a relationship with someone where I don't feel an expectation from them before I verbally commit to it or from others when they see us together. I have never been good at this. I'll do anything to wiggle out of a commitment I actually am not committed to. This isn't something you can force yourself to do. Right now, it seems I need to be in a new place where nobody knows me or my history. It feels like I need to start from scratch in a whole new environment.
Here in Bowling Green, even with the reduced number of people I know from my past, I feel like I'm too well known to be able to act naturally and not as "my former self". But, I'm not sure that I can escape that ever again because the only real prison I have is the one I have in my head, and it was well built by my upbringing.
The Balancing Act
Life is an experiment. So, maybe this year I will use as an experiment and involve myself with things and see what happens with it.
So, what are the reasons to become a part of anything for me?
- To serve others: I don't know how I can be of service to others but I can try.
- To expand the number of people I know in the community and therefore discover ways I may be of service to them.
- To create goodwill towards any projects I might have.
- To expand my experience, my knowledge, and my skills.
- etc...tba...nyk...
Another thing I want to do is to be consistent in my connection to others through phone calls, greeting cards, social media messaging, and personal meetings because I actually do want people to know I care about them. I know how much it means to me to receive a card in the mail from others, or any kind of communication. I don't assume people expect or even want a card from me. Still...it seems like a good thing to do.
Leaving my past 100% behind me.
I wonder how it would be to leave my past behind me, or to leave it for a year to see how that would feel. I don't know. But, what has my past actually been?
The last 15 years of my life has been spent pretty much in limbo. I have been trying to get calm and it isn't working. I've been living like a hermit to be honest and that doesn't make me happy and I am still haunted by guilt at every turn seemingly no matter what I do. I'm 65 years old and to be this screwed up at this age is really rather alarming. I don't really know who I am, what I am, what I want, nor where I am going. I know nothing and see no future, not to mention the collapse of the entire society and nation to which I have become accustomed.
All of these are mere thoughts. An experiment. A way to handle my own counseling. Don't take everything I've said here as my gospel. It is all a thought experiment.