This article is really more about exploring a topic than stating facts so the exercise is one more of just trying to put down on 'paper' the thoughts and feelings about things in my life that I can't seem to quite grasp. So...off we go...
For some odd reason I am finding that many of the things that used to bring me joy and excitement now sort of make me cringe. I still try to participate in these 'things' like I used to but really it is more forced than anything else. The absolute truth is that a large part of me wants to pull up and move somewhere that represents nothing of my past. I don't know if it is a need to feel the excitement of starting on a new journey or if it is some sort of odd depression that has overcome me. Whatever 'it' is, that is bugging me.
I think it has something to do with the passage by Mark Twain in "Life on the Mississippi" that talks about when he realized that through his education and knowledge of "The Great River" he lost the element of mystery, magic, and wonder he once had for it. It is how knowing the reality takes away the love of something you were once captivated by. This passage means so much to me because it states the best what my feelings are about so many things.
It also makes me think that maybe it is better to be ignorant of reality than it is to actually know the full truth about something. In addition it makes it necessary to examine those things that now truly move and amaze me. So here is the short list of the things that I have become disillusioned about throughout my life.
Santa Claus, Religion, Sports, Opera, Music, Theater, Personal Development, WKU, and my own BS. It is quite an amazing list considering these have all been a large part of my life. I am not sure why this has happened. Is it because I see through some of it or is it because it has all been somehow cheapened by social media, commercialism, and personalities which have a tendency to massively exaggerate things out of an effort to convince people to participate in them? It feels like everything is being 'sold' to you. It feels like they are somehow saying in a way "See how AMAZING this is? ...you are foolish not to believe in this." It is as if you are being sold on 'a perception of a feeling' as if you couldn't perceive it to begin with. I don't even know what I am saying here...
I am 64 years old but I think I still want to feel a sense of wonder about things. The element of magic in life is something I believe helps us stay hopeful and lifts us up to a higher emotional state which is healthy for the mind and thus our psychology. The element of surprise and newness is something I believe we need to be 'happy'.
My Dad used to say, "Who licked the red off your candy?" This means, you still love the candy but are crying because someone took the magic away from it. It is no longer new and fresh. The gift has been a little damaged and now it holds no mystery for you. It is like getting a used bicycle for Christmas, yes it is a bicycle, but it isn't really yours somehow. It shouldn't make a difference but it does. What it did is teach me a lesson about life. Whatever it is you are excited about can get tarnished by reality and thus no longer hold your fascination. I guess it is my perfectionist nature.
Santa Claus is played by everyone for the sake of the wonder of children. It is a bit of an evil trick to get children to behave with the dire warning "You better watch out because Santa Claus is watching you and you may not get any gifts on Christmas when you act like a bad boy or girl." If you get what you want at Christmas then you think "I was a 'good' boy", but if you don't get what you want you then deduce "I was a bad boy." To children justice is absolute and they take it seriously.
The magic of Christmas is completely gone for me because I no longer believe in it. The elaborate and illogical Fairy Tale of it doesn't serve the message of Jesus but rather makes me doubt it. It isn't Jesus I doubt nor his teachings, which I subscribe to 100%, but the religions attached to it are just a bit over the top. As much as I love the decorations and music at Christmas, the mindless following of a story which makes no sense sort of makes it all seem hypocritical.
With opera and the arts it feels like the effort to promote it ruins it for me. Everyone flocks to the popular and well known, when in my view those are there to simply tell you what is good so you will buy it. That is why they need a few 'brand' names to sell tickets. It is just like Hollywood films, where they choose a cast just because they are famous. They may be fabulous actors, maybe the best, but the fact that they are forced on us as if we "MUST" see it because of that just puts me off.
WKU played a huge part in my life. The brilliant motto "The Spirit Makes the Master" once held true for me on "The Hill". There was a palpable enthusiasm on campus when I was growing up. E. A. Diddle's personality seemed to run through every area of the campus. It was a happy and cheerful place to be, not to mention exciting. But, these are feelings that cannot be sold to you by a marketing campaign. They have to be real and it just isn't that way anymore. A lot of this has to do with the fact that they have to raise money out of the massive government cuts in eductation over the past 20 years, every year bringing with it more cuts. The faculty and staff suffer from these cuts as well as the students because of elevated tuition rates. Then you get bombarded by the Alumni Associate to donate after you graduate. The massive spending to try and keep up with the Jonses in Athletics further dissipates the feeling of genuine spirit on the hill. Heck, with all of the parking restrictions and regulations about what you can and can't do it feels like you are going to prison instead of a game to have fun.
I used to believe in the United States and the people who live here. But, I now see the truth about us as a nation. Evidently, we have chosen to coronate the rich and powerful and to turn a blind eye to justice. I am severely disappointed in half of the American people. It is so sad to me. Not only that, I see Europe's fate ahead with the rise of right winged extremism and the admiration of a thug in Russia. The popular belief that it is okay to just let the Ukraine be run over by Putin. What has the world come to and where is it going? I don't get it at all. It is absurd and disastrous.
Instead of hope and prosperity moving forward I fear the world is headed for some hard times and as much as I wished I didn't see it, it is there.
So, with all of these disappointments what does actually excite me and fill me with wonder?
Well, one thing is the nurses who take care of patients like my brother and family during his difficult times. That is inspiring to me. Doctors who actually have knowledge and skill who work in realities are people that inspire me. Nice people who show care for others and those who build businesses in reality are heroes to me.
If your accomplishments makes you arrogant then any reward is wasted on you. As for me, the disillusionment with billionaires is sad not because I don't think they do some good in the world, its that their prosperity isn't shared with those who got them there. It is actually wrong to think you did it all by yourself. On the other hand, over emphasized humility isn't virtuous because it weakens the power of those who genuinely participate in betterment of mankind and the equality of human rights. So, a balance must be sought.
The whole genre of "personal development" is admirable but the business of it has gone haywire. Two things bother me about this, one is that you get untrained and uncertified people telling you what your life should be. The other is that you can spend your entire life trying to figure out what is wrong with you and never get to what you are really good at. The entire argument that "You aren't successful as you want to be because of this that and the other thing... makes you play Whackamole with your life and you never can get all of them whacked, the result being you never get to building anything constructive. So, while there is a time and place for self evaluation, making a career out of figuring out why you aren't perfect isn't going to get you anywhere.
Maybe what I am saying is that I am not actually sick of these areas themselves but rather the forced feeding of marketing and advertising that is turning me off to them. It is also this apparent blind following of popular things that disturbs me.
So, what does that mean I should do? There is no other planet to move to. Maybe the whole problem is the waning years of my precious life and the reality of the decay to come which gives me pause and makes me question the superficialities of the world. There is obviously a need to believe that the unknown after death is a glorious vision for that future, but I don't believe in fairy tales. People wonder what it is like after you die and my answer is, the same as it was before you were born.
When I reflect on spirituality and the meaning of heaven and earth, the only thing that lifts me up is the idea of the parallel existence philosophy. Heaven versus earth, spirituality versus reality, and that the real world is made up of pain and suffering but that the spirit world is made up of faith, hope and love. To walk with one foot on earth and the other 'in heaven' is how I see life. Two different realms but only one that lasts.
So, what does that mean for me going forward? Moving to another country or a different part of the country and completely abandoning the life I've led up till now and start a new life altogether? Cutting off all social media ties and erasing my contact list? Will that make me let go of the past? I can't change the world, I can't change others, but I can change where I am and what I do. Do I have the energy to do it or am I too lazy to change anything?
Maybe I have the life I really want right now? After all, it is where I have ended up so my mind led me to this point. Or maybe I am happiest in search mode, where I am out and about discovering the world and experiencing new things and meeting new people? Do I avoid deeper relationships because I don't want people to see the 'real me' behind the facade? Who is the real me...and there we are back to personal development...ugh.
Obviously, the problem isn't the world around me, but the world in me but I am not sure I solve that, ever. So, maybe in searching through the world is my happiness?
There is balance in life and I think my life is out of balance. You have the Ying-Yang symbol of black and white, with a little bit of black in the white and a little bit of white in the black, but both are balanced. I guess the question is how to achieve this balance?
There is no salvation without suffering. There is no rest without the work that went before. There is no love without losing it. There is no faith where there is proof. There is no home without traveling. There is not adventure without security. The existence of the Ying gives us the Yang by default. The idea of heaven automatically creates the idea of hell. The emotion of love also implies the emotion of hate. The female creates the male by default. All grey areas are there to make the severe mild, to reduce the sharpness of life's realities.
Probably the major miscalculation of my life was the importance of finding the right mate and the creation of a family. I never felt compelled to have a family because of all the arguing that went on at home growing up. I didn't want a life of arguing and getting in trouble. But, I managed it anyway. I guess I just didn't chose the right people or could it be I wasn't the right person?
Well, this blogpost has been a bit wandering, and I am still a bit sick of the way life is these days and I don't have a very rosy outlook for the future. The only way that changes is if I change and bring myself into a new reality, otherwise, I'll just go on living in this present state of malaise. Hmmmm.