Freedom is one of my strongest motivators. Upon reflection today I realized that "Freedom" one of my absolute core values is. I forget that it is often because it runs so deep in me that I don't really have to think about it. It is how I am naturally going to make decisions. It is very deep in my subconscious.
It doesn't matter what it is. Whenever something comes up my first gut reaction is "Will that hinder my freedom to do what I want to do?" Whatever "What I want" is. I'm not sure what that is but I am sure I want freedom. My lack of commitment to just about everything is an effect of my desire for freedom.
I am not even willing to sacrifice my freedom for my own desires. If it means having to commit to something I have a natural urge not to do it because of my fear of being obliged to be somewhere or do something. Mind you, when I say I will do something, or I will be there, I am good to my word. The worst is saying yes to something and then backing out of it later. That is the worst thing to do there is. I've only done that on a couple occasions and it was usually a mistake.
In June of 1982 I was on a summer study program in Bregenz, Austria. I'll never forget one of the first days there and I walked out of the building where my room was and the Austrian sky was brilliant blue, the weather cool and crisp, very refreshing. I remember walking up the main market street to the school like it was yesterday. I remember how 'Free" I felt in that moment. Here I am, in a foreign country, can't really speak German yet, and am free to be there. Americans have always had a lot of freedom to travel the world and for sure it is a blessing to be able to do that. I was emboldened by the fact that I could move around the countries of Europe freely and do pretty much what I wanted. That is a great feeling.
Shouldn't everyone be able to move around freely on earth? Isn't that what everyone wants? Shouldn't I be able to move anywhere on earth and feel welcomed and safe? Shouldn't this be normal for everyone no matter where you are from? Why are people so afraid today of those who are trying to be free? Shouldn't we embrace them and say, "Welcome! You are free to be here." Now, of course like everyone else, so do newcomers have to understand the rules of the culture and the laws of the land and respect the ways and traditions of the country you are entering.
When you travel to other countries it becomes obvious that they don't do things like they do back home. So many things seem completely illogical when you go places, but having spent a lot of time in different countries it becomes obvious why they do them that way. I am as guilty as the next person at saying things like "It's so stupid to do things this way, back home it is done this way." That to me is a traveler's cardinal sin. You cannot expect things to be like they are in Kentucky when traveling to Italy. For heaven's sake! That is WHY you go there, to be somewhere different and to experience things that are different that what you are used to. The old familiar saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do!" couldn't be more accurate.
Yet, when you travel you see those places often catering to Americans every whiny whim. After all, it's their money they want. But, it's sad to see Americans behaving so foolishly when I travel. You have to understand that Americans have very little vacation time so they don't get out much. It is a huge deal for an American to travel to Europe, or anywhere else for that matter. Many only do it once in a lifetime. In most Americans minds it is outside the realm of possibility to even consider traveling to a foreign culture.
But, that is not about Freedom, I degress...
One of the things that irks me the most today is the issue of exercising your freedom in somebody else's face and expecting them to be in agreement with it or applaud it. Sure, everyone has the right to be who they are or want to be without any fear from the world. But, don't expect others to support your freedom like you may want. It doesn't work that way. Freedom is a function of tolerance and tolerance goes both ways.
One of THE MOST SACRED beliefs in the America I grew up in was "I don't agree with you what you say, but I will die fighting for your right to say it." Today it seems as if you are ostracized and demonized if you believe or say things in a certain way. It used to be different. Everyone used to be okay with people expressing themselves. Nobody took it as an attack on them personally. We have lost this element of freedom today in our society and it seems that the newly placed administration is hell bent on ending the freedoms we have fought so long to achieve.
My desire for freedom has affected my life in so many ways. Most people look for a job that they will have the rest of their lives where as I get nervous signing a contract for hire. This was a mistake for me. I may still be singing in any one of the theaters I worked at had I not sought employment in other theaters. I probably could have stayed in all of them, but I was always looking to move up and improve where I was working.
Committing to a fidelity relationship in marriage is a giving up freedom. Committing to a religion is giving up freedom, or any group for that matter. Committing to building a family is a huge commitment. Everything you do after marriage and especially with kids attached is decided by committee. You are no longer free to come and go as you please and do whatever you want with whoever you want. But, as I am finding out, not having a lifelong relationship and children is something that is missing in my life. But, my desire for freedom still has a prominent place in my decision making in terms of any kind of committed relationship. I guess I just never grew up.
Sometimes to live a successful life you have to give up your freedoms in exchange for security and a sense of belonging in this world. \
Financial freedom is also not all it is cracked up to be. I am financially free, to an extent, in that I can pay for my living expenses from my investments. But, it is close. I'm still having issues with keeping my spending below my income but I manage somehow. But the fact is, having a career, a good job, and being a contributor to society is really important in feeling like you are accomplishing something. No matter what you do, it requires work. I work every day on my investments and crunch numbers constantly but that isn't really like going to a job or working in your own business serving others.
I still get cold feet when I think about committing and outing myself as being a part of something I joined.
One thing I have noticed about people is that it seems to be very important to people that they can put in a category or place. Everyone seems to need to know what you do to categorize you in their minds. How many times have I been asked, "Are you the opera singer?" If I am now a marketer, I would have to change that persona for people and I still have trouble describing myself that way. Author, or whatever. The only thing I've ever been proud to be was being an "Opera Singer", because that is what I was truly meant to do, however well I did it. Not being that anymore is a real issue for me. I don't know what I am now, neither does anyone else.
To me, the fear of the loss of freedom is a real thing and it is limiting me in having the courage to commit to something I actually would really like to accomplish. I have no one else to blame it on.
Freedom is my deepest desire and apparently my worst enemy.