I have promises to keep...

There are some poems that wake you up in school and stick with you for the rest of your life. "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" by Robert Frost is one of those poems. While there are many phrases in this poem one that always spoke to me, rather, yelled at me was, "...but I have promises to keep..." and to this day haunts me every time I think of winter, snow, and self-discipline.

That may seem a bit incongruent with the ideas of snow and winter, having a long way to go till you get to life's ultimate destination, but it seems that this phrase stands out to me especially because I am still wondering what "promises" I have to keep?

Promises are commitments we make to other people. However, we can also make promises to ourselves and this is something that I have been trying to determine for myself and my future.

The key to it all is to determine what things in my life am I willing to commit to? Can I depend on myself to do what I say I will do? The real challenge is to stay consistent with who I am so people know what I am committed to.

Is who I am defined by what I am committed to?

I have never really explored the importance of commitment in life. It isn't something that you hear much about in the world of "Self Help and Personal Development." But when I look at the history of my own life I find that much of my life was spent looking for the exit in just about every situation I got into. No matter how good things were in a situation I was sure that it either wasn't the best situation or that it would turn bad. There was always a better job somewhere else, a better girlfriend, a better car, a better apartment, a better place to be, a better thing to be doing. There are several lines in "Star Wars" that hit me like a sledgehammer every time I watch it.

"All his life he looked away, to the future, to the horizon, never his mind on where he was or what he was doing."

Yoda, "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back"

This blanket statement isn't necessarily all true of course. There have been things I have been committed to without ever realizing I was committed to them. For instance, I apparently was always committed to my parents. I always came home on vacation to visit them instead of seeing other parts of the world with my significant other. I committed myself to return to Kentucky to help my mother in her old age which resulted in also helping my father and now I am here helping my brother. But these commitments were temporary as I knew that at some point those commitments would end ... and then I could focus on getting my life back. But...what life? What IS life?

Commitment is a prison you put yourself in

Every time I made a commitment, signed a contract, got into a relationship, or committed to doing something, it always affected me as if I was being imprisoned. A commitment to one thing eliminated the possibilities for other things. It was as if I was putting myself in a sort of self-inflicted imprisonment. The security of having one thing I could depend on was likewise that which limited me to that one thing. So, I didn't find much relief in security but much more being threatened by it. I'm not sure why this came to be and even if I knew why could I change it?

I've always looked for the answer to the question: "What is wrong with me?" I would find temporary relief in having my problems defined by some condition ... like...

I am depressed
I am angry
I suffer from mental distancing
I have fear
I am insecure about myself
I don't love myself
I love myself too much
I have a strong ego
I am too passive
I avoid confrontation
and the list goes on and on.

So, now I add to that list "I suffer from a lack of commitment." Is this now going to be the source of relief I feel for a time? Probably not. I am going to find a reason why it isn't "The answer."

A part of my issue is that when I commit to something it will affect how others think of me. This cripples me. So many people say they don't care what people think of them, but is that really true? How can people live like that? Isn't not caring about what others think about you or what you are doing a sociopathic trait? Is not caring how my actions affect others sociopathic? "I'm going to do this no matter what anyone thinks about me or it.!" I have to admit, that isn't going to last long with me.

One of my biggest fears is thinking others would think poorly of me. Not disappointing my parents, especially my mother, was a driving factor in my life. I think that because her happiness in life was dependent on me being happy, which she told me directly on many occasions, I was always questioning whether I was happy. So, happiness was a life requirement for me I guess.

Making money was always a big issue in my family. In their minds the only way to make money was through a job, being an employee, working for it. But, in my mind that isn't really making money, it is you being an expense to something that makes money. So, business was to them somehow an ill-gotten gain. It was immoral to sell something that made a profit. Truly, as long as they thought the seller or store wasn't making money off of them they would buy something. They were always in search of sales, and cheap food and the governing decider when looking at any menu anywhere was which item cost the least. Chicken or Beef? It didn't matter what they wanted, they would always choose the cheaper dish.

The other side of their attitude was that being in business was very risky. They never thought about the reward side. All they knew was that if you went into business there was a high likelihood that you would lose your shirt in the attempt. Then bankruptcy, shame, and disgrace would be your inheritance. It is as if going into business and making a lot of money was immoral and failing at it a disgrace and a huge blemish on your reputation. Business was a no-win proposition for them. My mom was so scared of the stock market, as was my father. All they really knew was to save and spend as little as possible. Finally, they got some decent advice on investing, which made a huge impact on their lives.

So in my desire to create a business, I worry about what my parents would think of me. In fact, I hid most of my desire to build a business from my parents in the fear of what they would think of it. Even after their passing, it scares me because it was so imprinted on my soul.

So now the question of "What can I commit to?" becomes a matter of becoming congruent with who I am, like it or not. Or do I fight against the tide of my own psychological makeup and commit to something that is against my nature, despite my mind?

Time

I am presently 62 years old. (2022) I have a lot of time left, but actually not so much. 20 years tops then, as Dad said, you start worrying. I took care of my parents at the end of their lives, but who is going to be there to take care of me? When people talk about "moving to be close to their grandchildren, children, or family" isn't what they are doing is passively enlisting them to take care of them in their old age? I'm not saying that is necessarily a bad thing but rather prudent, to be honest. It is the circle of life somehow. But, I don't have children or grandchildren, what family do I have to depend on in my future? The fact is, I have to plan for my demise and a big part of that is having enough money to pay for it. This is something I must commit to because it is the best chance I have of being as comfortable in my last years as possible. So, I must commit myself to put myself in a position of security.

I am extremely fortunate because my parents and grandparents, great uncles and aunts, all planned to hand down their wealth, such as it was, to the next generation. None of this was expected or required. It is all non-transactional. We cared about them and never thought of profiting from them. It was all about love and respect. My parents had no idea how much any of their elder family members had, they all lived like poor people. None of them had new anything, fancy clothes, hordes of jewelry, or other meaningless stuff that so many adhere to. They had real estate, savings accounts, and investments instead. They didn't eat out at all. They lived frugally well below their means and loved and appreciated what they had. They did that because they didn't trust that the bottom wouldn't fall out from under them. They saved as if they would live forever.

Work

No matter what is in front of me there is work. Nothing gets better without work. Work requires necessity and energy. Everything is work, even writing this article is work. The mission of life is to work and work is what gives my life meaning. Work requires commitment. Either I commit to something or it decays from lack of working on it.

Defining what the work actually is for me going forward is very important. It may not be inspiring, but it is necessary. So in defining the areas in my life that are important to me I can deduce the work I have to do to improve. I have many areas to work on. The question is "Energy". Which in itself is an area that needs work.

"I have promises to keep...and miles to go before I sleep."

What promises do I have to keep? It starts with taking care of myself in terms of what my body needs, my mind, and my soul, as well as my income...

This is all very self-centered. But, really, I have never really concentrated on my own well-being in these areas at all. It is possible my subconscious mind does that automatically. The number one responsibility we have in life is to take care of and be responsible for ourselves. If everyone did that, there would be no need in the world. The second responsibility we have is to help others in some way.

I have to find my own answers in life going forward, independent of all influences. I have to live by my own logic. I have to know what I am doing and why. I've read enough books, done enough seminars, and know that I don't know everything...but what I have learned is that constantly seeking isn't the path to find, it is just another horizon to look at taking me away from where I am and what I am doing.

I have to commit and keep the promises I make to myself. Probably the hardest to keep.