I grew up standing on the sidelines. Then I had a career where I was the performer. Now I am on the sidelines once again and have been for about 14 years now.
Towards the end of my performance career it became difficult for me to be good at it and I built up a lot of performance anxiety because of it. It got to the point where I just never wanted to feel that anxiety again and only did a couple of performance things for my Mom so she could see me onstage again before she passed away. I'm glad I did it, but it wasn't an easy thing for me to do.
I am a very critical person. The person I am most critical of is myself. The principle thing I am dissatisfied with is my weight/belly. I hate it and it makes me mad but I was so down about everything that I just couldn't get myself to stop the momentum of it and now I am at a full 250+- pounds and should be no more than 180. Still, I have a very hard time working on it every day.
I don't like not being good. Perfectionism is a curse and a blessing. It is ONLY a blessing if you are willing to do the work necessary in the direction of perfection. So, my belly is a prime example of my failed perfectionism because I haven't had the 'where-with-all' to handle the issue.
I have run out of excuses why I can't get myself to be consistent about it or anything else for that matter. My life is 100% my own now. I can decide what I do every day, every week, for the rest of my life. Nobody is dependent upon me and I am dependent on nobody. The only thing I have to master is myself. That is proving to be a very difficult task.
When I was doing work measuring floors I got the projects for that day and then spent the day doing them. That determined my day.
When I was working as an opera singer I was always told where to be when and I was there.
Now that I have complete control over my own life I have difficulty even keeping the appointment with myself to eat breakfast at 7:00, for instance much less get to the gym by 9:00 a.m. or go for a walk at 5 in the afternoon. It is disturbing.
Unless I have a time and date with someone else there is little chance that I will keep any promise to myself. The only things I do are go to the bathroom when my body tells me to because then I have to, get something to eat because I am starving, or go to sleep because I am fatigued. Otherwise I do the absolute minimum necessary to run my affairs.
Want or Don't Want
Somebody asked me years ago, "What do you want?"
I answered quite honestly, "I want to not want."
In other words, I have gotten myself to the point where I have no wants, desires, or dreams. I am fortunate to be able to have a roof over my head, enough to eat, clothes to wear, and a car to drive and be able to pay for it all.
Life without a dream is not really living is it? Life without a hope for something better is kind of drab.
The Curse: A Desire to Do Something
Now, I could spend my time planning my retirement. I could plan where I want to travel. What and who I want to see. Things I want to experience...but there is just one problem with all of that. It means being a spectator for the rest of my life. I'd love to be able to do this but there is still a nagging sense, maybe it is a curse, that I should do something with the rest of my life and not just be a spectator.
The question is: "What?" "What do I want to do?"
I don't want to be ambling around doing this and that to fill time even if it is in service to others. I feel a desire to do something meaningful and lasting with the rest of my life.
However, the performance anxiety in me comes up when I think about doing something. I freely admit that I am cursed by the fear of criticism and to be subject to ridicule of others. I am fearful that I am not up to whatever task I may set out to do. I am fearful that I will create promise to others and not be able to fulfill those promises. Failure isn't really my fear, being thought of badly by others is too risky for me.
I am a good guy. I want the best for people. I would never do anything to hurt anyone. Yet, is all of that true? Am I really just kidding myself and am I just selfish? Am I conning myself into believing something that isn't true?
When you are alone and nobody else depends on you then you can't hurt anyone. Am I arrogant enough to believe that others may be glad for me to help them? Why should anyone put their faith in me? It is completely possible that I am wrong about everything and any help I may administer would be the wrong thing.
The question isn't only "Can or should others trust me?" it is also, if I can't trust myself to keep an appointment with myself then why should anyone ever trust me to be there today, tomorrow, and on into the future? If I can't depend on myself, who should I ask to depend on me?
So if the task is to build a business then the requirement is that the business is open 24/7. Owning and running a business means to be there for your customers and clients when they need you. Am I up to that if I can't even keep my 7 o'clock breakfast appointment?
It feels like giving up if I simply say that I am done performing and become a spectator in life. I don't know why but that seems immoral to me.
The truth is, time is passing either way. Next year will be here and will I be facing the same issues with myself or will have decided what my life will be? I have a feeling that my contrary personality will have me being dissatisfied with myself no matter which way I go.
I had no idea that losing my career would be such a difficult thing for me. To be honest, it has been pure hell. I hate this life I am leading. Whatever it is going to be I don't want to risk losing my money doing it and I have already lost too much because of my indecision. That would be irresponsible.
The fog of the future makes it difficult to see where I should go. I am in search of a mission. Maybe I already have it. Maybe I have yet to find it. Whatever the case...it must soon be pursued.