Yellow Trees and Mellow Thoughts for this November day.
It has already been 3 weeks since Dad passed away and it seems like yesterday.
There is one thing that I am dealing with every morning when I wake up. I think about how miserable he was at the end and know that there was no way out for him from that misery. I saw it through with my mother, and was there for my grandmother's final days as well. All three were very worn out, very tired, very weak. At the end I am not sure any of them thought past their situation because after all it is a serious one to think about.
However, unlike mom and grandmother, dad had no designs on death. He was always thinking he would get over his condition and be able to get up and go again. He would call out and ask "Why?" "Why"? "Why can't I get better?" It was heartbreaking and it was cruel in fact. Mom and grandmother had rationale about their pending deaths and mom's was the most graceful attitude I could ever imagine a person having.
Dad loved life so much. He really loved people, and he loved his family although at times he could be hard on you. So, for me, dad's passing is more difficult because he never accepted the fact that his heart would just not hold out any longer. He had flown his miles, he had run the race, and the engine was done.
So today when I see that beautiful fall weather with those brilliant golden trees I am sad that he can no longer see that, can't feel the air against his skin, and can't breath in such fresh air. The loss for me is one thing, but the loss for him was enormous, and I am truly sorry he had to leave the life he loved so much. It feels like taking candy away from a child.
I guess I'll have to reconcile myself to it. I hope that somewhere up there in glory that he appreciates my work for him and that he approves of whatever actions I take moving forward. I don't want him to be upset with me and I don't want it to become a curse for me.