After having spent the past 5 1/2 years caring for my parents and seeing them through their deaths I realize that passing over the Jordan River carries with it those who were your companions during that time. Many have said that I will be happy with myself having done that and maybe there is a certain amount of guilt I am not feeling but because of it, but I certainly can't say that it was a "happy" experience.
Of course it depends upon the cause of death when you reflect on the experience but I think no matter how a person passes there is always this feeling of inadequacy when considering things that you possibly could have done better.
The bottom line is that you are observing people losing their most treasured asset, their health, their life, and their ability to contribute to their lives. It is like observing someone take candy from a child. While that may be a superficial parallel, it fits because the inner child of that person is crying inside no matter how stoic they may be on the exterior.
For me the dominant thoughts are ones like, "Could I have gottem them something they like one more time?" "Could I have done something that made them forget their situation a bit more?"
When I go to the grocery store now, I realize that I am no longer shopping for Mom or Dad, but for me and to be honest I am not even sure what I want. I walk through the isles and see those things that they liked and it is like there are a thousand memories linked to everything you see.
Leaving "Home"
My father just passed away and now there is nobody in my family who lives in Bowling Green. The main reason to ever come to Bowling Green was always to see my parents and that is why I am living there now. But going forward I have to ask myself the question on whether it is my home going forward.
If not Bowling Green, then where?
In Bowling Green I have friends and a lot of people that I have known for years. I know the house, the town, the region. It is familiar. Bowling Green has become a very nice town and it is a very nice place to live and the people are good people. Not much rif raf in town.
But, it is also far away from the life I lived for so many years. I'll admit I have been very spoiled in my years in Europe. There are some great places to be in the world, that much is certain.
There is a tendency to want to go back to somewhere that I lived before but I am uncertain if that is the right approach. I am not the same person that I was back in those days and sometimes it feels like returning is like "moving backwards" in my life rather than moving forward in a place where I can establish a new existence. Then there comes the question "what am I going to do there?"
But, no matter all of my personal decisions going forward I still struggle with the fact that I think there is a period of time after the funeral where you have to reconcile yourself with all of the images and feelings you have after the death of a loved one.
I look forward for these flashes of visions and feelings go past and that I can begin to forge on in my life on a new adventure where I feel alive again.