Ghosting
Ghosting isn't a term I have been familiar with even if I had heard it often. It came to me recently when someone mentioned that someone was "Ghosting" them and I wanted to figure out exactly what was meant by it.
Ghosting, from what I can tell, is a slang term used to refer to a form of breaking off a relationship with someone by simply disappearing and ignoring all communication from that person, such as phone calls, emails, text messages, or social media messages. It can also be avoiding real-life situations where one usually encounters the person. Ghosting is often done deliberately as a form of avoidance or revenge and can be emotionally damaging for the person being ghosted.
This is an interesting topic for me because I have sort of been ghosted recently and wonder if sometimes I ghost others in some way.
Due to the fact that I am not in any relationship would it be accurate to call being out of touch with someone ghosting or does it apply only to people in a relationship?
We are all busy in our lives. To keep up with the vast number of friends and family we have on a constant basis would be a full-time job. This is one reason Facebook is so popular. You can keep up with the lives of friends and family and they can keep up with you without constantly having to contact them. This is a good thing, but also a bad thing because we think it eliminates the necessity to communicate well with people.
In casual friendly and familial relationships, most people understand that others are very busy in their lives and consider people their friends even if they haven't communicated for a while. Understanding people won't put everything on the "Gold Scale" with people they care about.
But still, ghosting is probably not a terribly grown-up thing to do. Telling a person that you no longer want a relationship or the same type of relationship as it has been up till now is not an easy thing to do. The avoidance of such communication is probably mostly out of a desire not to hurt the person.
As far as revenge is concerned, I am not sure how that applies to a reason to ghost someone but I am sure there may be reasons for it.
So, I guess the question would be: "How does one end or change a relationship with someone?" I think the answer will be different for every person and relationship. The important thing is to communicate clearly and not try to make it any better or worse than it is.
When you have spent a long time in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, you have built a degree of trust, intimacy, and love with that person. That should be respected. In life, there are gains and losses. Everyone understands that. We have all experienced gain and loss and as adults should be able to hold some perspective on both. Of course, it is exciting to be in gain while loss can be very painful but it cannot be avoided. If you live a life you know pain. That is just the way it is. "Without the pain, the heart is hollow." to coin a phrase from "The Fantasticks".
I recently heard a comment from someone regarding the emotional upheavals in life and it went something like this...
paraphrased...
'I am amazed that I get to live a life with the full spectrum of emotions that I can feel. From love to hate, from jealousy to gratitude, from humor to bummer, from fear to confidence, from gain to loss, from faith to doubt, and everything in between it is amazing that a human being is capable of all of these emotions and I consider myself lucky to be alive. I welcome these emotions because it is a sign of life and sign of sanity and a sign that I care enough about things to feel the physicality of these emotions in me.'
I know that I am an incredibly emotional person and I have always wanted to not live on that emotional Merry-Go-Round. To me, emotions are like drugs that act as an injection to alter your state of being and even the good ones that make you high were always a prelude to the drop that inevitably follows. To this day I hate being taken hostage by my emotions when something negative happens it completely knocks me off course. I always wanted to be like Kwai Chang Caine on "Kung-Fu" or Spock on "Star Trek" who had the ability to lead a life of complete calmness and logic. Although there is a lot to be said about meditation, calmness, and thought-based reactions, the fact is that we are assaulted by our emotions on a continuous basis. But as the Buddhist teachings say you can't resist anything, you can only accept it. So the lesson is to accept and not resist emotions and then sort them out, because the reality is, you are going to have emotions because we are human...it is what makes us human and humane.
There is no gentle way to tell someone that you want to change the relationship status because many times you are fearful of the reaction. The person doing the change has been thinking about it for a long time and it could be completely new news to the person on the receiving end. The surprise will usually be a painful reaction that could manifest itself in so many different ways. It is very unpredictable. These emotions are also a part of life and if we can remember that it is completely natural to have them then it can keep us from thinking we are weak and vulnerable.
There are no "fixing" emotions. If someone is injured emotionally there is no bandaid or ointment that can patch it up and even though a talk-through of the situation may help, at the end of the day one person is left behind while the other is moving forward and in any universe that is experienced as loss and pain. There is just no getting around it. We are left like Humpty Dumpty broken at the bottom of the wall without anyone to pick up the pieces and put us back together again but ourselves. You also cannot un-feel the emotions. Once you have had them the memory of the scar is etched in your mind and heart. The scar fades after a while, but the memory of the emotions is always still there. It is one more "character-building" opportunity.
All of this makes us want to avoid relationships altogether because nobody wants to be hurt or hurt someone. It makes me sad to realize that I have probably 'ghosted' some relationships throughout the years. In fact, I am very ashamed about it because all of my relationships have been with incredible human beings who deserve only the most respect and the best treatment.
Everyone's behavior is largely due to the experiences they have had in life and the reasons for "Ghosting" are varied. I know this is the case in my life and I won't go into the reasoning here, but just suffice it to say that it is my view that relationships are only good when they are good for both people. When one is no longer in the game it is very difficult to have a game. It is better to end it than it is to carry on an uneven relationship.
If you are unable to hold up your end of the relationship then it is best to have the talk and let that person know firsthand what you're intentions are. It is difficult of course but much better.
"Ghosting" is probably fairly common in our world and everyone should probably realize that it will happen in their lives and not allow it to impact them disproportionally. Just let it go, let them go, and move on. Do your best not to do it to others.
Holding on to a sinking ship will take you down with it.
"Ghosting" is like when someone pulls a chair from under a person who is getting ready to sit in it. If you don't tell them you are going to do it, they will drop hard and likely injure themselves, while if you do tell them they can at least prepare for it and not fall so hard or be made to feel like a fool.
But, in the end, life gives us surprises that we are unprepared for all of the time. Some small and some large. We have to know that and realize that we are strong enough to be able to handle what comes our way and to realize that the emotions we feel are part of the gift of life, even when it hurts so much. It means that we are alive.